you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
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Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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