I cannot find my penis.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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