sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize