so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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