How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize