so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize