my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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