I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish i was in the wii world.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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