True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
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Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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