I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
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we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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