If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize