In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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