This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
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Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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