I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
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thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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