You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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