let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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