Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
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He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
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I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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