This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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