then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
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You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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