So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
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Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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