then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
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Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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