I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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