Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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