Im at strip club and am horny
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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