I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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