True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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