i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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