Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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