Soap is not a condiment
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize