i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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