I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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