I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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