i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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