I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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