my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
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There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
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I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize