Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
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Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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