Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
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It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
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Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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