Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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