it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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