My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize