I cut my penus on the lid.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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