yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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