Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize