if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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