How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
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so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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