The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
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There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You ruined the universe
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