Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
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He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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