She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize