i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
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Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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