I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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