the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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